I am so fucking pist off. Maybe I am wrong to be so upset. Maybe I should just say fuck it and not let it bother me. But what I really want to do is blow my top and tell my family to go to hell and stay the fuck out of my life. Well I guess I should tell you why I am so upset.....
Ok when I was a teenager I was not allowed to do anything normal teenagers do. I was "too young". I couldn't go to the mall with my friends, I couldn't spend the night with any one, I couldn't even go to school events for crying out loud. And this went on until 2 days after I turned 18 and my mother kicked me out of my grandparents house. Anyway, they wouldn't let me go do anything, but yet, I recieved no attention at home. The only attention I got was being yelled at and put down. Nothing I did was good enough. Even after going to 13 different schools and almost always bringing home A's and B's on my report cards and graduating high school with honors, it wasn't good enough. The lack of attention and not being allowed to go out with my friends drove me to sneaking around doing other things.
I started sleeping around. Not with every person I met, but I had a few certain people I did. Am I proud of this? NO. But its in the past I can't change it. At the time I thought it was the right thing to do. I wanted and needed attention, and I was getting it. It wasn't the right kind of attention, but it was attention nonetheless. When my family found out what I was doing I was called a slut, a whore, and everything else you can think of. And because of what I did, when I was raped, they didn't believe me.
So anyway, I get offline last night and I have a voice mail. I checked. It was my cousin who calls me her sister. She said it was an emergency and she needed to talk to me. So here I am freaking out trying to remember what her number is thinking something happened to my aunt, uncle, or other cousin. I call and she answers. Her "emergency" was to tell me she is pregnant. You have no idea how hard it was for me not to blow my top.
My cousin is 17 years old, she will be 18 next month. She is still in school. She smokes and drinks. (Keep in mind, I would never have been allowed to do anything like that. Not that I would want to smoke. I have never touched a cigerette in my life. I do have a drink once or twice a year, but she drinks until she blacks out.) Oh and her mother allows her to do this. She will take her son and go spend the night somewhere else so my cousin can throw parties.
The thing that really pist me off was the fact that everyone in my family except my grandma is happy. They think its wonderful. WHAT THE FUCK???? I was a slut and a whore for sleeping around, and most of the time I wasn't even having sex, just making out. I never got pregnant doing it, but I was a bad person. And now she smokes, drinks, and is pregnant and everyone thinks its great. This is fucking bullshit.
Then to top it off, I asked about the daddy. Its her boyfriend. I asked if he was going to take care of it. She said yes. I asked if he was going to get married. She yelled into my ear and said "HELL NO. I AM NOT GETTING MARRIED. I DON'T WANT TO GET MARRIED. I don't see any reason to." I think I handled myself really well while I was on the phone with her, but I wanted to go off so bad. It was killing me not to blow my top. I didn't act happy or congratulate her and I did yell at her a little when she said she was pregnant, but I bit my tongue the rest of the time.
And you know its not just this bullshit with this cousin that pissing me off. I have another cousin who just turned 17 in August. He has been in Juvinille for a while now. I guess him and some friends broke into some ones house, beat the hell out of him and threw him through plexiglass. Plus they had pot pn them. The adults in the family tried to hide it from me for some reason, but his little sister and the cousin who is pregnant told me about it. Anyway, I guess he quit school before this even happened. I just found this out last week. And he finally went and got his GED. Yes, I am glad that he atleast did that. But damn it, everyone is acting like its so wonderful, but yet my going to 13 schools bringing home A's and B's and graduating with honors wasn't good enough for them. FUCK THEM. And me sleeping around was soooo horrible, but I never broke in to anyones house, I never stole anything, I have never used drugs, or smoked, I never skipped school wich both of the cousins I am talking about do, and the only time I have been in trouble with the law was when I was 19. I went to jail for the night and so did my mother. She hit me, and I hit her back. I decided I was 19 years old, it was time for her to stop hitting me. So my aunt called the cops on me. She didn't see my mother hit me, just me hitting her. So I told the cops, "you want to take me to jail, fine. But you take her too because I was defending myself."
I am just tired of the bullshit. Everytime I talk to one of them, I tell Dale that I am so glad I don't have to be around them any more. I am stressed over my friend Bud who will be going home to be an angel in heaven instead of on Earth soon. I am so stressed, I have made myself sick. I still feel like I am going to have a seizure. Last night I was fighting a migrane. Now I am getting a cold. And I have been having pains right below my ribs in front on the right side for 3 days, and now the back is reaching all the way to my back. My little dog Cindy is sick. She has a cold, and has been coughing. Thankfully she hasn't been coughing like she was, but she still doesn't feel good, plus this damn weather is hurting her arthritis. Too much shit is happening at once. I am supposed to be at my Dad's right now helping him move, but I can't go because of Bud. And now I am getting sick so I definitly don't need to go. Especially since my step-moms grandkids are always there. I wish I could just wake up and realize this was all a dream, but I know its not.
So anyway, do you think I am wrong for being upset? am I right for wanting to tell my family to go to hell? I have already told my mother to, but thats another story. Everytime I talk to any of them, it just makes me want to tell them to fuck off, go to hell, and stay out of my life even more. Ok, I am going to step off my soapbox now. Sorry for rambling. I just really needed to get that out of my system.